by Lenore Buth
Some wonder about this because they're in love with a person they think is just right, but they fear "taking that final step" because what if their marriage does not last?
All I can say is that for my husband and me, two ordinary people, our love lasted--and grew stronger--through many, many decades of marriage. Until his last breath. We married when we were two young kids who had a lot to learn--and we did, sometimes slowly.
May I pass along some truths we picked up over the years?
1. Reformat your way of looking at life. Permanently
Think "we" instead of "me" because you two are partners in building a life and a future together.
This mindset sounds contrary in a time of "I need to do what's best for me" thinking. When each one makes it your goal to put the other's needs and wants ahead of your own it builds strength into your marriage.
Think of this as your mutual aim, not an exact science, not something to keep track of. Situations change, so how this plays out in your life will vary from day to day.
Is this uncomfortable at times? Yes. Does it communicate how much you value the person you married? Yes. Does it reinforce your oneness? Yes.
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2
2. Major in looking for the better instead of the worse
Most of us find it easy to pick out what's wrong in a person or a situation. Ferreting out what's good and right may require effort. Do it anyhow.
Promise each other you will strike phrases like, "You never," and "You always" from your self-talk and conversations. (And especially from your arguments.)
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29
3. Bend every effort to ensure your mutual trust
Being able to absolutely trust your spouse--and each one being worthy of trust--does not just happen. You build it by being honest with each other, time after time, always with love and kindness.
What if one of you says or does something that you wish you hadn't? Talk it over and be humble enough to apologize. Forgive as you want to be forgiven. If this is a seldom-happens thing, let it go and move forward. (Forget using "subtle" hints as leverage in the future.)
Being able to trust the one you're married to is bedrock. It glues you together, even during the worst of times and communicates to your children that they can trust their parents.
Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its Creator. - Colossians 3:9-10
4. Give up the idea of 50-50
This inevitably deteriorates into tracking who did more of what this last time and the times before that.
Struggling to find the "right" percentages seldom pays off. Even in the happiest marriages, sometimes one gives more and sometimes the other gives more, according to what's needed at the time.
Tensions fade when each one knows the other's heart intention is to make yours a 100-100 marriage.
[Jesus said] "And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them." - Luke 6:31
5. Abandon expectations of how it should be
That sets you up to be disappointed whenever your spouse or your life doesn't meet some idea of "perfect" you heard about or read about. (This keeps changing, have you noticed?)
Harping on little annoyances slowly erodes a marriage relationship. Choose instead to be glad for what is. Talk about that. Build on that and it will grow.
Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. 1 John 3:18
6. Accept that your marriage partner has human frailties, just as you do
Ever noticed it's easier to forgive ourselves for our weaknesses and our slip-ups than to forgive our spouse for theirs?
Aim to be at least as objective and charitable toward the one you married as you are with your friends.
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
7. Recognize the power of words and bite your tongue
Not everything is worth saying.
Hurtful words live on in memory long after bad moods and angry outbursts have passed.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
8. Appreciate the day you're living now
Instead of thinking "someday" will be better, work on making this day better. A lifetime consists of days, lived out one at a time.
One day at a time you can get through rough spots and scary times together.
Mindset matters and how you talk about your relationship matters, either helping or making a situation worse.
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
9. Love is not just an emotion
One of the basic principles of Marriage Encounter is, "Love is a daily decision." That makes love an action word.
We can decide to act in loving ways even when our emotions are, um, lukewarm. Almost always the feeling of love will return soon.
Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
10. Pray. Pray. Pray
From the beginning, my husband and I prayed individually and attended worship services together. We tried to follow Bible teachings in how we lived and in how we parented our children.
It was well into our marriage that we started praying aloud together. At first we stumbled and felt strangely self-conscious, but we knew this was important, so we kept on.
In no time we realized these few moments of openness with each other and before God--just thanking God together and sharing what was on our hearts--reinforced the foundation of our marriage.
Prayer is simply talking to our loving Father from the heart--and knowing he hears us.
The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. Psalm 145:18
Building a strong marriage doesn't happen in a week or two
Those traditional wedding vows which include, "Until death do us part" are deeply meaningful and tell it like it is. Even for two people who start out full of love and joy, growing a marriage is the work of a lifetime--and it's good.
Take the long view. Some days and some stretches of time will be better than others. That's life. For everyone.
Don't get fixated on what may in reality be little more than a blip in the story of your life together. Keep your eyes focused on what matters most. Once again the Apostle Paul tells us how:
With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:23
Believe in your marriage
That sounds self-evident. Elementary. Still, how often do you hear someone complain about their life or embarrass their spouse in front of others?
Building a strong marriage takes commitment from both spouses, yes, BUT it's worth it!
Think ahead. You're not only living your life together. Every day you are making memories only the two of you share. You can relate these memories to others, but only the two of you lived them together.
Can love last? Absolutely!
Does it cost you something? Yes. Your mutual, unshakable resolve to stay worthy of the other's love and to nurture your close relationship.
For my husband and me--and countless other couples--being united in our faith in Jesus made all the difference. We wanted to live by the Bible--and yes, we often failed, but we learned and grew in faith. Together.
So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13