by Lenore Buth
No matter how much parenting theories and practices change, this truth endures.
It’s hard to envision that is true in the early months and years, when a good night’s sleep feels like ancient history. Or when we’re living with a strong-willed toddler who specializes in one, “No!” after another.
Then in what seems like no time we find ourselves running a chauffeur service for under-age complainers who never stop poking and provoking each other. “If onlys” creep into our thinking. If only we were rich enough or famous enough … If only we had the house of our dreams … Then life would be perfect.
Then we might be doing something that matters instead of being stuck in our tiresome daily grind.
Fact: Every parent makes history every day
Moms and dads, just being who you are imprints on your children every day, mostly while you are not aware of it. (And neither are they.)
Perhaps right now your kids are picking their way through the adolescent and teenage years. Their main ambition seems to be to be finding ways to be different, especially from you, their parents. (They may tell you that, too.) They often exhibit an inability to hear what you say. Nevertheless, all the while they watch you, socking away clues on how to live. From you.
You did the same. If you doubt that, think of the times you've been shocked to hear how much you sound like your mother. Or your father. Their exact words and used-to-be aggravating phrases may pop out of your mouth—and you don’t know how that happened.
Taking it to the extreme
I knew a woman who loved to spin her take on this to anyone who would listen. "My mother was a would-be opera singer who, she said, never had a chance. She did have a beautiful voice. When my brother and I were growing up she always sang at us. The worst was when she scolded us to the tunes of opera music.
"We hated it! Again and again we swore to each other that neither of us would ever inflict such misery on our own kids.
"Well, guess what. The other day my daughter acted like a brat at a friend's house and embarrassed me. We left right after that. Once we were in the car there I was, bawling her out to the tune of an aria from the opera, 'Carmen.'
"Now here's the thing. I am no fan of opera. Worse yet, as my mother so often told me, I cannot even carry a tune!"
We are not programmed to become carbon copies of our parents
We may now recognize flaws in how we were raised and want to lay a better foundation for our own children. If so, we can choose a better way. Our way. We are new in Christ, remember?
This is when we ask God to change our thinking and show us anything what is not his way for our family.
Keep in mind that the “old way” will feel as comfortable as an old pair of shoes, so we need to grow, too. Need to keep seeking God’s guidance and pray for courage to persevere. We may slip up occasionally, but that need not stop us. Rather, we leave our guilt and self-blame at the cross and again ask our loving Father to keep us on track. Eventually those old messages will lose much of their power over us.
It’s not enough to go through the motions because any kind of lasting change comes from inside. This means seeing with new eyes and hearing with new ears—and it’s a gift.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17
Find the way to peace
As adults, most of us understand our parents and their personalities better than we could have as a child. The Bible tells us we are to honor our parents because God gave us life through them. When we acknowledge our own flaws it helps us understand that almost every parent does the best they know how at the time. (Don’t we, also?)
This calls us to forgive them for their failings and leave our hurts at the cross of Jesus. When we truly do that, the Spirit working within our hearts and minds can set us free from being prisoners of the past.
In our hearts and in our words we are to show our parents—or the people who took on that role—the grace God freely gives us in Christ.
If you remain troubled, always, always seek out a reliable counselor. (Ask one of our pastors for trustworthy referrals.)
What next?
Don’t expect this to be smooth—or easy. Keep reminding yourself that because Jesus lives in you, you are strong enough to change the way you think and the way you parent your children.
Decide what you want them to remember of their mom and dad and their growing-up years.
What needs to happen so that would be possible? That is, what changes do you want to make—in yourself or in your day-to-day interactions.
Write it down and read your list every day. Post sticky note reminders on your bathroom mirror.
Start with baby steps and be content with small gains.
As they say, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step--and it's never too late to start over.
Greater than any positive thinking slogan are the promises from God’s written Word
Here are three:
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he [or she] is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17
I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21
The End