By Lenore Buth
Did you ever consider that you and your spouse might be poster children for marriage?
Think how often you watch a movie or TV show and say, “I liked most of the characters, but I wouldn’t want to live like that.”
Every day, all day, what parades in front of us on screens of all sizes mostly flies in the face of living as Christians. Your marriage broadcasts that you cared enough to commit to each other for life. One day at a time you keep on loving and keep on growing because every day you decide again to love each other.
You are living out Jesus’ words, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” And is there any closer “neighbor” than your spouse?
Forget the idea of perfect
Marriages endure not because the husband and wife are perfect, but because they care and they are willing.
Willing to forgive and accept each other as is.
Willing to work through the tough stuff of life as it comes. Together.
Willing to keep at it and try again. And again. And again.
The Apostle Paul tells us how:
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. –Ephesians 4:32
Don’t expect this to be a one-and-done. Let it become a natural way of life and small annoyances will shrink into their proper place.
Small changes in how we talk pay big dividends
Most married couples want to feel they are one in heart and one in spirit. The pattern of how each one speaks sends a message. One change seems small, but it can be huge. Let, “I, me and mine” take second place to "you, us, we and ours." That simple practice builds togetherness.
Marriage is meant to be give-and-take, without keeping score. One day it's this person whose needs take first priority, the next it's the other. Trust me, if one person always "wins," both lose.
Harping on faults, real or imagined, only brings discouragement. Instead, strive to commend each other’s strengths and affirm what's good. The effect is much like pouring fertilizer on plants: It encourages health and growth in individuals and in the relationship. (The same is true between parent and child, even when our children are adults.)
Do we all fail? Sure, but as Christians we better understand what love means when we remember Bible verses like these:
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins. ---1 Peter 4:8
Just "being there" counts
An occasional rough patch is guaranteed, even in happy, strong marriages.
Hang onto your perspective. It will help you understand the other if you find a quiet place away from your children and talk. Talk. Talk. Give it time—unless there’s actual physical or emotional abuse. Seek out a trustworthy counselor, together if you can. (Ask Pastor Brad or Pastor Nathan for recommendations.)
Home Huddles are wonderful for drawing your family closer—and also you as a couple. Why not take it one step further? Every day you two make time alone to pray aloud with each other, preferably in a setting that’s out of earshot of your children so you can simply be wife and husband. Not formal prayers, just talking to your loving Heavenly Father about the things on your mind, the concerns and the joys. Yes, it may feel a bit awkward at first, as it did for my husband and me, but that fades quickly. Over time each of you will gain deeper insights into what makes your spouse tick and that builds closeness.
Why put in so much effort to help your relationship thrive? Because when you stay together, you give your children a gift beyond price. You role-model for them that you believe in marriage and that you consider your life as a family worth what it takes to keep it going. Your example will strengthen them when they marry.
Consider it the wonderful gift that will keep on giving for generations.
You bless the people around you, too, the silent watchers
Some may be individuals who long to find love and be married. Just being who you are, happy together, can encourage them that yes, a good marriage that lasts is still possible. For those who are widowed, watching you can evoke happy memories of their own marriage.
From time to time you’ll talk with others who are disillusioned and uncertain about marriage. Consider that an opportunity the Holy Spirit put in front of you. No fancy speeches needed, just speak from your own life, as simply as this: "Wouldn’t trade being married for anything, but we couldn't make it if we didn't know we can lean on the Lord. He helps us love each other and forgive each other."
Whatever the situation or the setting, as you speak from the heart you witness to the value of marriage, but also that you belong to Christ.
I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. --Ephesians 4:1-2
Theories come and theories go, but truths about marriage are timeless
“Let the wife make her husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave.” --Martin Luther
“A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” --Ruth Bell Graham
“A good marriage isn’t something you find; it’s something you make.” --Gary L. Thomas
In this life we have three great lasting qualities—faith, hope and love. But the greatest of them is love. –1 Corinthians 13:13 J.B. Phillips New Testament
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(Note: Just to be clear, I’m not a professional counselor but my late husband and I loved and learned together for many decades—and I wouldn’t have wanted to miss one minute of it.)